I’ve written so many of these over the years I could probably publish a book of wryly self-deprecating bio paragraphs. I could, but I won’t. It would be very boring.

I’m Ross. I used to live in Scotland, but now I spend my days wandering aimlessly around London, boring everyone with tales of free eyecare and haggis.

Look! Here's 15 other things you need to know about me!

15 Things You Need (‘Need’) to Know About Me, Ross


My first ever cassette was Kylie Minogue's Better the Devil You Know.


Aged 5, I knocked both front teeth out on a breakfast table. My fear of Sugar Puffs continues.


To date I have co-owned four poodles, some more bloodthirsty than others.


My first ever job was identifying and sticking reduction labels onto almost out of date things in a supermarket.


My sole published work to date is the 2004 play, About A Badger.


As a child my ultimate career ambition was 'co-present Blue Peter with Katy Hill'.


My favourite album of all time is probably (definitely) Now That's What I Call Music 43.


I once played the front end of a reindeer in a pantomime, its 6 day run marred by escalating creative differences between myself and my back end, better known as my younger brother.


I can never remember how to pronounce the word 'orgy', which would have made things very awkward on Blue Peter I'm sure.

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My most successful online venture to date - after SIXTEEN YEARS of relentless attention-seeking - is this random doorbell video. What the fuck, internet?


These days my ultimate career ambition is 'Sarah Beeny'.


I lost loads of weight not so long ago, primarily through giving up Kettle Chips. God I miss them. My last meal on earth would probably involve hoovering up an entire 'sharing' bag of Salt and Balsamic Vinegar.

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After much homosexualist deliberation, I have alighted upon the Tenth Doctor as my Perfect Man. This is mostly down to his geeky good looks, and only slightly rooted in my long-time fantasy of turning a Tardis to my own, nefarious ends. 

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Such as travelling back to 1997 and passing off Harry Potter as my own idea. Sorry JK, but someone needs to fix that hideous epilogue.

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I'm at my happiest sitting down after a long country walk, cup of tea in hand and heavy rain pounding against the windows. Or towards the end of a second glass of wine.