I’ve written so many of these over the years I could probably publish a book of wryly self-deprecating bio paragraphs. I could, but I won’t. It would be very boring.

I’m Ross. I used to live in Scotland, but now I spend my days wandering aimlessly around London, boring everyone with tales of free eyecare and haggis.

Look! Here's 15 other things you need to know about me!

15 Things You Need (‘Need’) to Know About Me, Ross


My first ever cassette was Kylie Minogue's Better the Devil You Know.


Aged 5, I knocked both front teeth out on a breakfast table. 


To date I have co-owned four poodles, some more bloodthirsty than others.


My first ever job was identifying and sticking reduction labels onto almost out of date things in a supermarket.


My sole published work to date is the 2004 play, About A Badger.


As a child my ultimate career ambition was 'co-present Blue Peter with Katy Hill'.


My favourite album of all time is probably (definitely) Now That's What I Call Music 43.


I once played the front end of a reindeer in a pantomime, its 6 day run marred by escalating creative differences between me and my back end, better known as my younger brother.


You probably don’t want to know what I think about crystals.


I like a poodle, but I LOVE a dinosaur.

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I don’t so much ‘have energy’ as ‘drink skinny flat whites from Pret at every vaguely feasible opportunity’.

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My most successful online venture to date - after SIXTEEN YEARS of relentless attention-seeking - is this random doorbell video. What the fuck, internet?

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I will forever have a crush on the Tenth Doctor. Honeymoon brainwave: DINOSAURS. 


A long-standing suspicion that my birthday is more important than everyone else's was kindly confirmed by emojis.

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I'm at my happiest sitting down after a long country walk, cup of tea in hand and heavy rain pounding against the windows. Or towards the end of a second glass of wine.