Things of the Week


This week I mostly... waited for lettings agencies to get their shit together while taking out my frustration on hapless cold callers from media monitoring agencies. Of course the confirmation e-mails all came through in the end, but that doesn't mean I'm going to apologise to any one of those pestilential media monitoring agents. Sinister clicking of the week The strange metallic sound echoing from the kitchen as I typed this, thus putting me in mind of all manner of pending misfortunes:

  • Undercabinet lighting about to explode?!
  • Fairy lights around drinks shelves about to explode?!
  • Microwave about to explode?!
  • Fridge freezer about to explode?!
  • Knife-wielding youth breaking in through window with a view to explode something?!
  • The induction hob about to explode?!

Clicking remains unidentified.

Hero snail of the week "Oh so what," I bet you're thinking. "So it climbed a couple of stairs. I do that every day, and I have five limbs to drag around after me."

Oh mildly mutated reader, how cynical you are. This picture was taken on the steps outside my flat, on the THIRD FLOOR. This snail is one hundred percent sisyphean HERO. You GO snail, but you'd better stay the fuck away from my window garden or so help me god you're taking a tumble.

Mrs Doubtfire's finest moment of the week

Timely reminder of the week If you can ignore the gnawing, gut-wrenching realisation that it was almost ten years ago, you should definitely rewatch the first rebooted series of Doctor Who, either on Netflix or through some other less legal means. After 4+ years of empty technobabble and reset buttons I'd completely forgotten the two hearts' worth of emotional impact Russell T Davies managed to cram into the show's early days. We bloody cared about Rose Tyler, a fully realised character several million worlds and three regenerations away from Steven Moffat's immortal identikit quip-generators. It was through her eyes we rediscovered the Tardis and weirdly empathised with that one Dalek; thanks to her that we fell in love with David Tennant and cried for days when Matt Smith took over. Without human anchorage like Billie Piper all we're left with is ropey rubber monsters and a semi-sentient police box; the sad farting British sci-fi even Jar Jar Binks makes fun of.

Rose's first two series were everything Doctor Who could and should be. They're the reason I find it so hard to let Moffat get away with his five usual plot devices, but also exactly what I'll be switching over to at the first suggestion of a fez gag next weekend.

Oh will you all just FUCK OFF Twitter 'exchange' of the week

Thing of the week


Don't you just hate it when you go to open the fridge for a sneaky slice of that cake you're not meant to be eating until later, only to inadvertently alert your loved ones to your greediness as an avalanche of ill-secured council tax bills, Sainsbury's recipe cards, out of date Tesco vouchers and feeble magnets tumble off the door? Me too, readers.

Fear not - help is at hand. I highly recommend this set of paracetamol-sized mega magnets. There's no limit to the amount of outdated paperwork they can hold in place to your fridge door, leaving you to sneak yourself as much pleasantly chilled confectionary as you can reasonably handle ten minutes before dinner.

*This week's Things of the Week was fuelled by several large diamond fizzes, my new favourite cocktail of the moment. Just mix prosecco, gin and sugar syrup onto a welcoming bed of ice and lemon wedges. One hearty tumbler of this stuff and you too will find yourself up at 2am, generating Mary Berry gifs and cackling at your own hilarity!