Breaking astrological news

What a morning this is, readers! Waking three hours ago to the sound of my neighbour's customary door-slamming, I reached for my phone and found the following update on the astrology app I routinely use to inform life-changing decisions. NEWS FROM THE STARS!

Shut up Orion, this doesn't concern you:

"If you're in communications, an exciting offer may be on the table, and you may hear news that will give you every reason to move forward."

Who's 'in communications'? I AM! 'An exciting offer may be on the table'? I LOVE TABLES! 'Every reason to move forward'? THAT'S MY FAVOURITE DIRECTION!!

My path to success is clear. I shall call in sick to work, sit in front of the television, and await further instruction.

Update: I've been sat here for 23 hours now, and still nothing - no matter how many times I refresh LinkedIn.Why do the job offers not come??