Today's chores, ranked by escalating horror

26. The carrot cake I bought as a reward for almost finishing everything, bar the hoovering.

25. Forcing myself through the Guardian Weekend magazine, a pain aux raisin, and Nespresso 'Vivalto Lungo'.

24. A shower.

23. Forcing myself through the Guardian actual newspaper and a cup of tea.

22. Brushing my teeth.

21. Delegating the filth-encrusted kitchen and living room to boyfriend.

20. Polishing my gemstone collection.

19. Polishing the rest of the bedroom.

18. Polishing the dead flies and soil (?) off the study windowsill.

17. Hoovering my boyfriend's expansive shoe collection and tutting, sanctimoniously.

16. Hoovering my own, similarly sizeable shoe collection.

15. Venturing out to the giant Tesco down the road, navigating my way past dozens of other humans and spending £4.49 (FOUR POUNDS FORTY NINE) just for the Ben & Jerry's cookie dough ice cream I absolutely need to soothe my sore throat.

14. Unpacking the spoils of said Tesco trip, trying to ignore how much of the current contents of the fridge is well past its sell-by date and/or openly rotting.

13. Watching Sex and the City instead of cleaning.

12. Answering the backlog of texts from close friends and family, built up over the course of the last fortnight.

11. Observing, yet again, the mounting heaps of pay slips, credit card statements, junk mail and other unopened envelopes on the study shelf. Noting, again, the need for an afternoon of 'filing'.

10. Hoovering the shag pile rug and having to empty the hoover afterwards.

9. Hoovering under the bed and having to empty the hoover afterwards.

8. Hoovering in between the gaps of every item of furniture upstairs in the flat, doing my back in somewhere between the owl doorstop and laundry basket.

7. Dragging the hoover out from its precarious home in the infuriatingly overflowing under-stair cupboard, hoping someone else will spare me the mission to return it later.

6. Returning the hoover to its precarious home in the infuriatingly overflowing under-stair cupboard, much to my immense displeasure.

5. Trying to scrape my own stubble hair out from in between the bathroom tiles.

4. Cleaning the fucking toilet.

3. Scrubbing the fucking shower.

2. Matthew Paris' Times column.