Tuesday Tune: Alexandra Burke - 'All Night Long'

All the way through last year's X Factor, or at least from the point at which they realised Fleur was their only chance at a winner who might actually shift some .m4as, I couldn't help but scream incoherently.

"You're such an all-rounder," Cheryl simpered. WHAT.

"Look at how you can sing and dance at the same time," rasped Mel B. ARGH.

"[Insert stock phrase here]," exhaled Louis. COME ON.

"World class," slimed Simon. YOU FOOLS. IDIOTS. IMBECILES. You already found an amazing all-singing all-dancing female popstrel, remember? Her name was Alexandra Burke, and you threw her career under the bus for no good goddamn reason two years ago.

Malificent

The massive half-arsed cock-up that was her second album still makes me angry. From this ten minute perfect storm of overblown melodrama at being announced winner, to the comeback single entitled Elephant: she's clearly the best winner they've ever had, with more personality in her toenail clippings than 8 years of Leona Lewis powerballads.

For someone who only had about a year before Syco lost interest, Alexandra has a seriously impressive singles run. Her cover of Imogen Heap's cover of Rufus Wainwright's cover of Jeff Buckley's cover of Hallelujah is the only Christmas number 1 from the last 8 years I can bear to listen to; Bad Boys was great; Broken Heels was also great; and then this happened - officially the best X Factor song this side of Diana Vickers:

It's not done proper justice by the single edit, which excises the album version's superlative middle 8 ("It's only you and me together, and it feels so strong...") in favour of a witless Pitbull guest rap. But that last chorus? It's what pop music's all about.

Simon, you and your dead-on-its-legs talent contest couldn't even guarantee a long-term recording career for Alexandra fucking Burke - pull the plug and stop pretending Ben Haenow's ever going to be a thing.