My Very Special And Appropriate Valentine's Day Playlist
This month: Vickers, Spears, Burke, Rickett, et al. I hope you find it as arousing as I do.
1. Britney Spears - Gimme More What better to get you in the mood for some steamy intercourse than the breathy come-ons of a mid-breakdown Britney as she listlessly gyrates around a stripper’s pole in a shaggy black wig? Phwoar.
2. Patrick Wolf - The Child Catcher Patrick Wolf has many a song devoted to love and romance in his back-catalogue. I was initially torn between The Bachelor (self-explanatory) and Time of My Life (ironic break-up anthem), but then I remembered this merry little ditty about child abuse. Traumatic!
3. Diana Vickers - The Boy Who Murdered Love That bastard, Diana! Sing about it. Sing all about how he hurt you and betrayed you and left you disillusioned and alone. And sing it in that hideous paint-stripping voice of yours. That’ll teach him! Bastard.
4. Cheryl Cole - Fight For This Love “We gotta fight fight fight fight fight for this love,” mimed Cheryl back in 2009; defiantly, proudly. Her message was clear – “If it’s worth having it’s worth fighting for.” Well, unless he won’t stop fucking around and you realise you’d rather be dating a blonde American dancehunk instead. Remember him? No? Oh well.
5. Adam Rickitt - I Breathe Again Got yourself a date tonight? Let this troubling ode to resurrection put you on guard. “Your love is like oxygen through my veins,” the former soap star trilled on his late 90s non-hit single. “I need it… I breathe again.” You do well to gasp with horror – ROMANCE BRINGS ADAM RICKITT BACK FROM THE DEAD. Exercise extreme caution as your date comes to a close, lest your passion unleashes a horde of semi-musical love zombies.
6. Emiliana Torrini - Gollum’s Song If zombies don’t get you, your own feelings might. Look at Gollum – one minute he’s a charming little hobbity thing, the next he falls in love with an enchanted ring and loses all his teeth. Ask yourself: is emotional fulfillment really worth it?
7. Dido - Don’t Believe in Love Come now Dido, that’s just the disappointing sales of your greatest hits compilation talking. What’s that? He won’t return your calls and was last spotted at a Sam Smith gig? Dick.
8. Will Young - Evergreen It’s a tale as old as time. You’re being serenaded by the winner of Pop Idol as the only girl he’d ever need, you plan your wedding and OK! photo deal accordingly, then all of a sudden he’s coming out on the front page of the Sun and changing all his lyrics to excise gender-specific pronouns. WHY WILL, WHYYYYY
9. Natasha Bedingfield - Single This rousing little number about the charms of eating ready meals in bed alone no longer rings quite as true as it once did, thanks to the Bedingfield's later descent into full-blown womb panic. “I Wanna Have Your Babies”, Natasha? Really? Tragic.
10. H & Claire - All Out of Love A veritable black hole of mutual loathing and despair, prompted by the duo’s growing realisation that they’d split up Steps for something even Lisa Scott-Lee would turn up her nose at. A career of binge eating and reality TV ensued.
11. Alexandra Burke - Start Without You If you’d told me in 2008 that Alexandra Burke would be the first X Factor winner to take a song about impatient self-pleasuring to number one I’d have scoffed heartily. Well, I think that’s what it’s about. I’ve never been able to listen past the first hideous verse.
12. Melanie C - Better Alone “YOU COULDN’T PICK A BETTER TIME,” shrieks Sporty during this tiresome five minutes of pitiable melancholy. “I GAVE YOU SO MUCH OF MY LIFE.” A post-breakup lament, thinly veiled attack on her former record label, or genuine relief at never having to perform with Melanie B again? We shall never know.
13. Martha Wainwright - Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole This song reminds me of someone I once cared about. It’s no big deal though, I’m over it.
14. Lily Allen - Fuck You I really did you know. Care, that is. Did they ever truly feel the same about me? Did they ever think to even show it? One phonecall was all I needed. One tiny little gesture of affection. A box of chocolates even, or a book of poetry in the post. But I’m totally over it. Really.
15. Kelis - Caught Out There Completely over it, absolutely, and – you know what, screw it. I HOPE YOU DIE ALONE SURROUNDED BY PICTURES OF ME HAVING A MUCH BETTER TIME THAN YOU AT YACHT PARTIES WITH BRAZILIAN MODELS WHO NOT ONLY PHONE TO FIND OUT HOW MY DENTIST APPOINTMENTS WENT BUT BAKE SUGAR-FREE BISCUITS FOR ME AFTERWARDS HA HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT BET YOU WISH YOU’D BEEN LESS SHIT NOW.
Only joking, I'm in a stable long-term relationship. Happy Valentine’s everyone!