From the archive: that (last) time Jeremy Clarkson was an idiot

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Top Gear's straight white man-in-chief was winding me up on the internet long before he started punching his own producers in the face, or whatever exactly it was the BBC press team meant by 'fracas'. What do we reckon? Answers via blurry, scribbled, mildly homophobic Twitpics please. JANUARY 18, 2014 

You might have missed it, off busy doing actual stuff in the non-internet world, but earlier this week Jeremy Clarkson did a funny on Twitter!

He’s asleep! And gay! And lady parts! LOLLLL!!!

I wasn’t so much angry as I was baffled. Jeremy Clarkson falls asleep next to you on a plane – JEREMY ACTUAL CLARKSON – and “gay cunt” is the best zinger you come up with? Talk about a missed opportunity. I could do better, and I’m pretty hungover today.

True story. Tess Daley’s going to end up on Top Gear sooner than you think.

Like one of those Prius thingies he’s always comparing to people with facial disfigurements! Hahaha!!

Also true.

The library is open ladieeesss.

Too obvious?

You know, all dodgy handwriting-typeface tomfoolery aside, what the fuck Jeremy Clarkson. Even his weasel-worded semi-retraction drips with the kind of smug complacency that comes from having never experienced life on the receiving end of such lol-worthy banter; the sort of sub-playground bullshit that isn’t going anywhere so long as BBC presenters continue legitimising it. A fifty-three year old national broadcaster who still needs to be told it's not okay to go gay cunting all over Twitter? Let's be honest - it's just embarrassing.

Jeremy Clarkson, everybody.

From the archive is a spectacularly self-indulgent feature where I trawl my many discarded former blogs – including the one where I designed a logo featuring an owl sat atop a teapot – for anything that suggests I was always this funny. For the purposes of this feature I am chalking up any poorly sized Clarkson Photoshops to ‘that goddamn WordPress import plugin’.