So I'm a Tory now

New Tory ahoy!For years I have found myself increasingly at odds with the Great British public. For years I have done my bloody upmost to look past our escalating differences.

“That’s fine,” I grimaced back in December 2002. “Sinead Quinn will be okay with second place. David Sneddon can sing too I guess.”

“Why would anyone want fairer electoral representation anyway,” I coughed, shortly after 2011’s AV referendum. “I’m drinking this vodka fine without it.”

“……….okay,” I just about smiled, through a heavy nosebleed last September. “If you say so, SCOTTISH PEOPLE WHO AREN’T ME AND/OR SANE.”

The 2015 General Election, however? Step. Too. Far. Try as I might, I cannot fathom what the fuck it was the rest of you were thinking. Nor can I be bothered trying to cram some belated sense into your collectively fuddled minds. No, at this point - this point being ‘the bleak prospect of Conservative government until just before my thirty-third birthday, courtesy of middle England’- it’s clearly time to embrace the old adage if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em. Consequently I am now a Tory.

Bear with me, fellow right-wingers. As a committed socialist and vocal Milifan up until earlier this morning there will likely be teething problems as my transition gets underway, but I’m confident I can get those last stubborn remnants of soul ironed out before the Queen takes to her throne later this month. How hard can Conservatism be?

*clears throat* *taps microphone* *assumes unbridled privilege*

Human Rights

SCRAP THE HUMAN RIGHTS ACTWho needs human rights? Terrorists, that’s who. Worse than that: African terrorists, posing as terrified refugees on boats. Tony Blair’s accursed Human Rights Act is essentially a second Channel Tunnel for a never-ending stream of EU nonsense and as such it should be SCRAPPED. Metaphorically FILLED IN. FORTHWITH. Who cares what the Lib Dems have to say about it, there are only 8 of them left.

Once the HRA is out of the way we can get down to some real common sense legislationising. As Spiderman’s dead aunt or uncle put it, with fundamental human rights comes great responsibility not to do anything which contradicts the Daily Mail's confused standards of decency.

Brainwave guys! Indefinite detention for everyone!


When I was out anecdote collecting the other day, I met an old woman who had been denied bunion treatment because Labour waiting lists and also foreign HIV. Our national health service is in CRISIS. 97% of it. And all down to public sector waste. That’s a fact.


Who better to transform UK healthcare and get that guy or whoever’s verrucas sorted than Richard Branson. Virgin have almost figured out how to blast celebrities into sort of outer space, for god’s sake. And I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say the West Coast mainline has never been in better or more affordable shape. Branson: our arteries are in our hands. Take your branded surgery equipment and make them flow with sweet sweet cash.

The economy

Labour’s Great Recession is definitely a thing that happened and that is simply all there is to it.


This was of course achieved last year, when the homosexualists - myself included - were gifted the right to put rings on each other and scribe lengthy wishlists of John Lewis crockery (just not in church). What more can the LGB community want? Tea? What about tea? I'm pretty sure that's legal too.


Oh I knew you’d bring up the gender thing. Don't get me started on feminazis and their anti-penile agenda. If it was up to me I'd ban the pill and make full-length frocks compulsory. Women should know their place - somewhere pre-suffrage.


KILL ALL FOXESWe were obviously lucky enough to enjoy the greenest government ever for the first half of this decade, so despite whatever Friends of the Seals and co are megaphoning on about our trees have never had it so good. Sadly, sacrifices must be made if we’re to balance our books, which is why fracking the fuck out of the Peak District is really our only option.

Ensuring a healthy level of biodiversity across Britain is nice in theory, but all foxes must die. This is, again, fact. I don’t have a problem with bees so long as they get their act together and start pollinating things again instead of griping about pesticide.

If any of this has you worried, environfolk, then please, relax. We Tories will forever defend the greenbelts against those swarming hordes of first-time home buyers.

Margaret Thatcher

R.I.P. my one true queen. May your portrait forever hang above my downstairs toilet, inspiring me on to ever greater acts of mild-mannered evil.

How am I doing? By Gove, I think I've got it!