Code red: I didn't sleep last night

Code red: I DIDN'T SLEEP As such, I apologise in advance for getting unreasonably worked up about any one of the following occurrences:

  • Texts from close family and/or friends, particularly those involving questions or anything else that might be construed as a 'demand' on my 'precious time'.
  • The slightest audiovisual hint of my upstairs neighbour’s continued existence.
  • Crumbs.
  • Children frolicking outside and having an audibly good time while, I, Ross, am not.
  • Getting toothpaste on myself just as I'm about to leave the flat.
  • Tube waits of 4 minutes and above.
  • Slightly off milk in the office fridge.
  • Weird pungent cabbage-y lunch meals in the office fridge.
  • High importance e-mails.
  • Shitty disappointing bruised bananas.
  • The Jeremy Vine show on Radio 2.
  • The London housing market.
  • People who still have time to play games on Facebook and - inexplicably - think I might want to join in.
  • People who like to initiate conversation at urinals.
  • People who don't understand how self-service machines work.
  • Iain Duncan Smith.
  • Use of the following words: 'Stakeholder'. 'Narrative'. 'COP'. 'Frame'. 'BANTER'.
  • Bits of food in the plughole.
  • SLUGS. SLUGS ON THE KITCHEN RUG. AGAIN. WHY.