I watched Jurassic World and then had some thoughts about it

Don't click this if you haven't seen Jurassic World

  • I know he’s Hollywood’s new leading action man of the moment, but Chris Pratt will forever be Summer’s grating stoner friend off season 4 of The OC to me. Hey Chris, who was your fave - Seth or Ryan?
  • Otherwise, what a stellar cast! Bryce Dallas Howard’s fringe; Kitty from Arrested Development; Brooklyn Beckham, playing himself; and that scientist from the original film, post-villainous brain transplant.
  • Seriously, it's like a completely different character. His rapid descent into corporate evil-doing would have made a much better plot for Jurassic Park III.
  • Is part of the inevitability of adulthood finding yourself increasingly irritated by on-screen youths? Floppy-haired prepubescent male, I liked dinosaurs before you were even BORN. How come you got to be in this film? What do you have that I don't? Both myself and my superior collection of dinosaur memorabilia were readily available.
  • As much as I loved the original movie, Jurassic Park the Attraction definitely had a touch of ‘the wolf enclosure at Edinburgh zoo’ about it - catastrophic power failures and sacrificial goats were about your only two hopes of ever seeing anything. Jurassic World the Attraction, on the other hand, looks AMAZING.
  • Like, OMG, the baby dinosaur petting arena. One of the most adorable things I have ever seen. What’s the likely weight limit for riding a baby triceratops? I would happily kneecap myself to get round any height restrictions.
    (If you’re still reading and haven’t seen the film yet, this is where you should probably stop)
  • The real mystery of Jurassic World: what the hell was Indominus Rex doing in the half hour between humans entering its enclosure and actually getting round to biting their heads off? Its hair? Sudoku? Giggling nefariously at its own smarts?
  • Congratulations, new park owner man. You’re officially three times as incompetent as Richard Attenborough. Even he would have thought twice about sending Jeff Goldblum and Laura Dern off velociraptor hunting with just tasers and netting for protection.
  • Oh, and now you’ve managed to fly yourself into a glass house full of man-eating pterodactyls. Nice work. Always good to see the 1% in action.
  • Actually, come to think of it, what was the entertainment purpose of the glass house full of man-eating pterodactyls, exactly? Presumably no one was actually ever able to visit it. Not going by the sheer gusto with which said pterodactyls set about eating the tourists once outside.
  • This sequence made me feel a little queasy. No matter how bad her acting on Merlin, did Katie McGrath really deserve to be tossed around by flying lizards, waterboarded, then eaten alive by a Mosasaurus? Not one of the other characters seemed even the slightest bit bothered either - Brooklyn Beckham only looked disappointed he wasn’t able to Snapchat it.
  • Things I could have done without #1: the colour-coded velociraptors. Surely the most merch-minded bit of scriptwriting since Steven Moffat’s Tellytubby Daleks?
  • The real emotional punch of Jurassic World came with the grisly demise of its many, innocent, herbivorous bystanders. I was heartbroken enough by the poor hacked-and-slashed brontosauruses - did they really have to set the pterodactyls on the baby dinosaur petting arena too? SOB.
  • Things I could have done without #2: the Indominus Rex Takes on Hamster Ball scene. Not only did it entail the death of yet another adorable herbivore, but it was definitely the least impressive ‘dinosaur attempts to gain access to human transport vehicle’ yet.
  • I was fully expecting Bryce Dallas Austin to end up in the aquarium with whatever was left of Morgana. Her I AM A CAREER WOMAN WHO KNOWS NOT HOW TO RELATE TO CHILDREN schtick had surprise, first act death written all over it.
  • The turning point, of course, was when her weepy lame-ass sister called to reactivate her womb. HOLLYWOOD RELATABILITY: RESTORED. REDEMPTION ARC: INITIATED.
  • Things I could have done without #3: That whole Jurassic Park turned Avengers finale. It was bad enough when the velociraptors teamed up with Chris Pratt - eat him already, Delta, for chrissakes - but joining forces with T-rex? What do you mean, what do I mean? That shitbag ruined everything for you guys! Surely you don’t forgive so easily? You do? Fine. Have fun in the army, idiots.
  • I actually quite liked Jurassic World. But when the cinema lights went up, revealing the entire audience to be, like me, ‘of a certain age’, I realised how badly we’d been had. The cameo appearance of both dilophosaurus and Microsoft Office 95 DNA helix; swooping score upon Brooklyn Beckham’s discovery of Stephen Spielberg’s prop cupboard; T-rex lumbering creakily out of its 10 year retirement: why, they used our nostalgia to launch a glossy new blockbuster franchise! Those villains! Charlatans!! I will most certainly go to see the next sequel but only out of morbid curiosity!!!
  • A more appropriate title? Jurassic World: One T-Rex’s Road to Freedom.