Twenty-eight A couple of weeks ago I turned twenty-eight. TWENTY-EIGHT. Oh, you already knew? You heard my screams from across the other side of the internet?

Just joking. I'm totally fine with the new and varied ways my knees crack when I sit down, and couldn't be more relaxed about how much hair I'm now sprouting from both ears. Plus, this means I still have two whole years to finish that 30 things before 30 list I did 12 months ago.

Shall we check in and see how I'm getting on?

  1. Purchase a Dyson vacuum cleaner. Booyah!
  2. Purchase a KitchenAid. Yeah! Go, my wallet.
  3. Purchase a tailored suit so I can attend weddings looking like an adult male rather than an unusually hairy child who’s broken into his father’s wardrobe.
  4. Purchase an apricot labradoodle named Scrumpy.
  5. Sort out some kind of pension. I am half scoring out this one because I sat down with a financial advisor, downloaded the application form, and just haven't sent it off yet. Wooo me. I am the greatest.
  6. Begin saving money with a view to eventually purchase a first property (we’re probably looking at sometime nearer my 60th birthday for that). 70 is now looking more realistic, thanks London. 
  7. Finish the first, partially written novel that’s been floating around in my head and various notebooks for over TEN YEARS GODDAMMIT. This is still definitely going to happen. I cannot even begin to tell you how many writing apps I've bought and not yet tried out.
  8. Learn how to consistently poach eggs. These days I prefer scrambled, so...
  9. Learn how to talk knowledgably about wine in polite company. I went to a wine tasting in April but emerged with only the beginnings of a hangover and not even the merest drop of new-found wine wisdom. What more can I do, readers??! I tried.
  10. Learn some rudimentary French so I can order bread and cheese in Paris without embarrassing myself.
  11. Earn some £££ from words what I myself have written.
  12. Consistently maintain this blog for three years – and with posts, rather than pointless, obsessive template tweaks. One year down, two to go. 108 posts of thrilling online 'content' can't be wrong.
  13. Either accept myself as someone who just has two chins, or find a sustainable way to return to a weight of 70kg that doesn’t involve wanting to kill myself and all my loved ones. So the good news is I haven't gained weight. Odd, given the number of cheesecakes I've been eating.
  14. Give up my can-a-day addiction to Diet Coke. Lols.
  15. Give up the internet one day each week. Double lols. 
  16. Find myself a London dentist. VICTORY!
  17. Do Glastonbury for the first and last time.
  18. Do a marathon for the first and last time.
  19. Knit a hat.
  20. Visit one of the continents I’ve not been to yet (ie. not Europe or North America).
  21. Drink cocktails in New York to make up for that time I went for my 21st birthday but was still actually only 20.
  22. Complete Final Fantasy VII, some 20 years after I first started playing it. An iOS version is allegedly on the way this summer so, again, this is Definitely Going to Happen.
  23. Decide once and for all whether or not to get a tattoo. If not, spend the money on a life-supply of temporary transfers instead. Sam Smith got the anchor I was um-ing and ah-ing over so it's back to the drawing board with this one I'm afraid. 
  24. Go Skiing.
  25. Create a viable sourdough starter (ie. one without mould) and perfect the art of breadmaking (ie. not burning down the flat). I tried last month and it went mouldy again
  26. Read the 65 and a half books on this list I haven’t got round to yet. I watched the film version of Bridget Jones' Diary last night, by my calculations that brings this down to 64.5.
  27. Listen through the Beatles’ entire discography to figure out if I actually don’t like them or whether, aged 10, that was just something I decided to believe in order to frustrate and defy my parents. Did you know the Beatles aren't even on Spotify? I certainly didn't when I wrote this list. 
  28. Sort through the nightmarish filing box of confusing life paperwork I keep upstairs in the study, at the significant risk of discovering every payslip I’ve ever received since 2005. Urgh, do I have to.
  29. Toast the end of each and every one of the next 156 weeks with a glass of whisky and the acknowledgement that life is never as bad as I might occasionally think it is. 52 down, not counting the handful of occasions where hangovers and/or gin got in the way. 
  30. DON’T DIE. Still alive, world - and hairier than ever!


I know this looks bad, but unless you also have the wherewithal to buy and own a KitchenAid and might possibly know how to grow unmouldy sourdough then frankly I don't want to hear it.

I have all the time in the world. Cheryl Cole turned 28 just after she got fired from X Factor USA, and look where she is now: X Factor UK, sat next to Rita Ora.