Reptiles, Sarah Harding, kitchen justice and PODIATRY: Things of the week
This week I mostly...
...suffered recurring nightmares about reptiles.
Thanks, variously: Taylor Swift, Game of Thrones, Donna Tartt's The Little Friend. Surely it's time for mammals - cute, cuddly, warm-blooded mammals - to make a pop culture comeback?
New mission: invent and popularise sub-meaning to camel emoji. 🐫
Life milestone of the week
My first visit to a podiatrist! God I'm old!
Callouses, bunions and corns all running rampant, it's clear my body remains in a state of open rebellion against that most repellent of crimes - gym membership (see also: 2016 face cave-in, May's you-did-slightly-intensive-core-yoga-now-you-must-feel-as-if-you-were-punched-in-the-chest-for-three-weeks).
Nice try, leg-end. She got the corn out. In, like, 2 minutes.
Gym time! 5k treadmill! Suck it!
Newly acquired torture device/kitchen implement of the week
It's my cherry disemboweller! Pitter. Whatever.
Cherry punnet, you are too delicious to live. I sentence thee to death, by malevolent black Amazon instrument, replete with spatter-preventing murder chamber. Subsequently, thine empty corpses will be baked into a pistachio pie. There can be no appeal. I have already eaten three of you.
Justice is hungry. Served. I said served.
Villain of the week
Whoever decided to release the Nadine/Xenomania single on 8 September rather than TODAY, WHEN I NEEDED IT MOST, GODDAMMIT.
Let's pin this one on the Big Brother antics and, inexplicably, triumph, of Sarah Harding, whose one woman mission to replace her Loving Kind GMTV bum note from Britain's collective memory is going... well, I guess?
I'm trying to stay on the positive side. If Rachel Stevens saw fit to rejoin Jo O'Meara on stage despite, you know, all the racism, an undercover handjob shouldn't get in the way of a 2020 Girls Aloud reunion.
Quote of the week
This week I was mostly having...
...Wine in a plastic cup
- 1 x snatched hour of sunshine
- 1 x park bench
- 2 x pint tumblers
- 1 x generous barmaid
- pinot griot
- greenflies to garnish
This week summer returned to London. Only for, like, a day, but that's all the time you need for that most delicious of post-work frivolities - PARK DRINKING.
Abandon your glassware and absurd notion that one should perhaps imbibe wine by the sip rather than pint. The sun is here, and usual standards need not apply.
The only downside? Every green fly in London knows your game. They are coming. DRINK MAN, DRINK FASTER.