Steven from Bake Off, half-baked OC metaphors, Terry Pratchett's will and MAHLAB: Things of the week

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If this week was a season of The OC...

...it would be the fourth.

A reduced episode order, sure, but a big improvement over its predecessor. Probably due to all the steak and wine in place of a regular Monday. 

And/or the expanded role of Autumn Reeser. 

And… er… give me a minute. I’LL GET THERE.

Oh! Both, sadly, featured a preponderance of natural disasters. And, tragically, the semi-recent death of a much-loved blonde woman. Both people’s princesses. If from 'people' you can simultaneously infer 'the 1997 population of Britain' and 'Ryan Atwood'. 

...

Did I mention Autumn Reeser?


Inspiration of the week

Terry Pratchett’s posthumous instructions to literally steamroller his incomplete novels got me thinking: god I own a lot of stuff I’d hate for other people to get their grubby, inconsiderate, non-Ross hands on. 

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Upon the death of me, Ross, also known as The Ending of Life As We All Know It, please ensure the following Last Wishes are observed.
  • Contents of my drinks cabinet: to be boiled off in such a way that it also destroys my Le Creuset casserole. Drinking and hearty stews will not be permitted during Mourning (10 years from date of demise)
  • Gem stones, vinyl collection, long-term boyfriend and other such miscellaneous Treasures: packed and then dramatically burned alongside my broken body. No one else may have them
  • Endless assortment of notebooks, largely containing page after page of practice signatures: to be mulched and paper mâched into a flattering edifice of me, Ross, and ceremoniously burned at the first anniversary of my passing
  • Siblings: also burned. Should they somehow contrive to outlive me they are also likely responsible for my murder
  • Archive of payslips, receipts, and birthday cards I just can’t bear to throw away: packed into a decoy sarcophagus to enrage future grave robbers and/or fugitive siblings
  • Laptop containing years of unfinished manuscripts: loaded into mediaeval cannon and fired at the nearest publishing house. HOW’S THAT FOR A PITCH, YOU SONS OF BITCHES
  • Family poodle, Roxie: cloned in perpetuity; lavished with treats for now and all time
Best regards,
etc etc

crush of the week

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Steven off GBBO

Like BLTs? A fan of cake? Get yourself a man who can do both. With a blowtorch. And a propensity to clutch his heart, melodramatically, whenever Prue Leith gets too close. 

Bonus points for his ‘family of strong baking women’. THEY SHALL DO OUR WEDDING CAKE <3333


wanky kitchen ingredient of the week

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'mahlab'

As in, "add 1 tsp to bring out the heady middle-eastern flavours of cherry, pistachio and coconut cake, only it's taken so long to arrive that in the meantime you've baked the cake with a hazarded substitute of almond extract, cinnamon and cloves instead, which tasted damn good if one says so oneself, so you probably just wasted £7.99 plus postage on mahlab, sorry about that".


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Want more?

I'll give you more. Woaaah.

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