Steven from Bake Off, half-baked OC metaphors, Terry Pratchett's will and MAHLAB: Things of the week
If this week was a season of The OC...
...it would be the fourth.
A reduced episode order, sure, but a big improvement over its predecessor. Probably due to all the steak and wine in place of a regular Monday.
And/or the expanded role of Autumn Reeser.
And… er… give me a minute. I’LL GET THERE.
Oh! Both, sadly, featured a preponderance of natural disasters. And, tragically, the semi-recent death of a much-loved blonde woman. Both people’s princesses. If from 'people' you can simultaneously infer 'the 1997 population of Britain' and 'Ryan Atwood'.
Did I mention Autumn Reeser?
Inspiration of the week
Terry Pratchett’s posthumous instructions to literally steamroller his incomplete novels got me thinking: god I own a lot of stuff I’d hate for other people to get their grubby, inconsiderate, non-Ross hands on.
- Contents of my drinks cabinet: to be boiled off in such a way that it also destroys my Le Creuset casserole. Drinking and hearty stews will not be permitted during Mourning (10 years from date of demise)
- Gem stones, vinyl collection, long-term boyfriend and other such miscellaneous Treasures: packed and then dramatically burned alongside my broken body. No one else may have them
- Endless assortment of notebooks, largely containing page after page of practice signatures: to be mulched and paper mâched into a flattering edifice of me, Ross, and ceremoniously burned at the first anniversary of my passing
- Siblings: also burned. Should they somehow contrive to outlive me they are also likely responsible for my murder
- Archive of payslips, receipts, and birthday cards I just can’t bear to throw away: packed into a decoy sarcophagus to enrage future grave robbers and/or fugitive siblings
- Laptop containing years of unfinished manuscripts: loaded into mediaeval cannon and fired at the nearest publishing house. HOW’S THAT FOR A PITCH, YOU SONS OF BITCHES
- Family poodle, Roxie: cloned in perpetuity; lavished with treats for now and all time
crush of the week
Steven off GBBO
Like BLTs? A fan of cake? Get yourself a man who can do both. With a blowtorch. And a propensity to clutch his heart, melodramatically, whenever Prue Leith gets too close.
Bonus points for his ‘family of strong baking women’. THEY SHALL DO OUR WEDDING CAKE <3333
wanky kitchen ingredient of the week
As in, "add 1 tsp to bring out the heady middle-eastern flavours of cherry, pistachio and coconut cake, only it's taken so long to arrive that in the meantime you've baked the cake with a hazarded substitute of almond extract, cinnamon and cloves instead, which tasted damn good if one says so oneself, so you probably just wasted £7.99 plus postage on mahlab, sorry about that".