Review: Charli XCX feat. Troye Sivan—'1999'

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Left to my own devices, I would lose weeks on end to rifling through family photo albums, crying over long-dead poodles, and drunkenly bidding on late 90s Official PlayStation Magazines (“THEY DON’T MAKE GAMES LIKE CRASH BANDICOOT 3: WARPED ANYMORE”). Nostalgia is not a good look on me.

Nor indeed is it on most popstars. Anne-Marie’s ‘2002’ must surely rank as one of the most infuriating tracks of 2018—a perverse streaming equation made flesh, cynically calibrated to prey on the thwarted, mortageless dreams of 2018’s dead-eyed millenials, all while somehow mis-DECADING Britney’s ‘…Baby One More Time’. On behalf of thirty-somethings everywhere: fuck you, Anne-Marie. I might not have a house, but I still place disproportionate value on 90s pop trivia.

It was perhaps with a view to right this wrong—‘2002’ the song not 2002 the year, which was also shit by the way—that Charli XCX first gave Troye Sivan a call, or a WhatsApp, or whatever the hell channel such youngsters like to use these days. Because it’s not like they have anything better to be doing, is it. Say new albums to respectively record or promote? Guys?

 The  Bloom  campaign comes to an abrupt end

The Bloom campaign comes to an abrupt end

Anyway. ‘1999’. The most important point to note is that our album-shunning duo did indeed do Britney the decency of an accurate timestamp—for UK audiences at least. Congratulations on clearing that bar.

My second Point of Note, and despite all aforemoaned snark, is I can’t seem to stop playing it? And in the week St Vincent’s dreary self-covering PIANO ALBUM came out, even? I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.

The third? ‘1999’ the video is AMAZING.

On this occasion—this occasion being ‘Charli XCX’s face Deepfaked onto a convincingly clumsy Geri Halliwell impersonator’—I am prepared to overlook the nostalgiapop ‘premise’, erroneous mention of ‘air guitars’ and ‘roofs’, and extremely low likelihood that either Charli or Troye actually remember a single one of their winning 90s references, what with their collective age of approx. 12.

Basic Pop Bop of the year. There, I called it.

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Best Bit

The video, especially all 3 seconds of Blair Witch XCX

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Worst Bit

SAY YOU’LL BE THERE CAME OUT IN 1996 YOU GEN-Z FOOLS

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Better than that other song called ‘1999’ which everyone else loves for some reason?

Yes

 
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Verdict

Wouldn’t have sounded out of place on NOW 43—the highest compliment for any purported fan of 1999 (the year, not the song)

 

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My hobbies include: sweeping judgement, snark