Emoji of the Week


The Grimace face...

...after grinding three of its own teeth out.

As in, “Oh my god, Cheryl, what are you DOING?

I fully expect to suffer third-degree second-hand embarrassment whenever Liam Payne opens his dopey mouth (SMASH CUT: his debut single. SMASH CUT: Twitter bromance with renowned homophobe. SMASH CUT: private plane Instagram bollocks), but it’s painful to see Cheryl neé Nation’s Sweetheart 2008-2008 caught up in his cringe contagion. 

What should have been a glorious unveiling of both new Youth Centre and top lip was quickly derailed by a tabloid-fuelled, Payne-exacerbated exercise in atrocious PR. Years of charity and cosmetic work barely got a look in between Brit afterparty PDAs and indignant Twitter outbursts. 

Relationship not on the rocks, Cheryl? Rise above the Dan Wootton gossip mill and buy a new mansion. Relationship actually on the rocks? Same, but with several hideous new Nicola Roberts album co-writes.

WHO suggested you LITERALLY MOUNT your allegedly erstwhile boyfriend on the Brit red carpet? And in THOSE SHOES? They are not your friend, Cheryl. And, were I to hazard a guess, most probably Liam Payne.

This week I mostly...


...lurked within 50cm of our new electric heater

A chill Siberian wind blows and I'm taking no chances. I'll worry about the energy bills in May, when I'm no longer wearing gloves 24 hours a day and actually able to open my wallet. 

More things of weeks

I make no apologies for my ever-changing formats