Kim Kardashian's new fragrance, the Spice Girls reunite and byeeeee Ann Widdecombe: Things of the Week

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IF THIS WEEK WAS AN EMOJI...

...it would be a glass of red wine, on coaster made of pizza. 

As in, ‘Dry January is over, and any semblance of restraint I might have shown in the last 31 days is being jettisoned – nay, cannon-balled – in favour of a Friday night at Pizza East. GET ME A PLATE OF DOUGH AND GLASS OF PINOT NOIR, STAT'.

 
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Thankless task of the week

Papping Lewis Hamilton and his nephew – TOTALLY back in that princess dress of his own volition, guys – round Disneyland Paris, at the behest of whatever PR firm got roped in after his spot of bother at Christmas.


Agenda of the week

Oh to have been a fly on the wall over at Geri's last Friday lunchtime

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Arrivals

1. Group finances (ALL, but mostly MB)
2. Vague promise of lucrative business deals to be had in China (SF)
3. Microphones: do we need them? (VB)
4. Rewatch of the 2007/8 reunion tour DVD we filmed but still refuse to release for some reason (ALL)
5. Baby's Case for further delaying Spiceworld vinyl re-issue (EB)

6. Awkward glossing over of assorted unpleasantness, including: GEM, Viva Forever!, How Mel B Relentlessly Bullied Everyone For Years and Years and Years, and Headlines (Friendship Never Ends) (ALL)

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Let's hope someone (looking at you, Mel C) was brave enough to stage an intervention re: Geri’s now semi-regular but permanently awful acoustic rendition of Wannabe ("It's even more embarrassing than my song about homeless people. Both of them. Put together.")


Justice of the week

Courtney Act’s Celebrity Big Brother victory, snatched from the homophobic jaws of sometime human and professional trashbag, Ann Widdecombe. 

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There's probably something unusually serious to be said about the Great British Public's enduring tolerance of a woman who would rather see her housemate in conversion therapy than married. But I'll instead make do with Courtney's  2016 Slutty Stewardess make-up tutorial and leave Widdecombe to shuffle back home, alone. 


Troll of the week

 
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Kim Kardashian, reigning Queen of Mail Online-baiting, took to Snapchat this week to announce those lucky advance recipients of her new fragrance, 'BAE'. Benevolent overlord that she is, said list includes not just friends and family, but vanquished foes of internet spats past - from Bette Midler (naturally) to Sarah Michelle Gellar (Really, Kim? You're picking fights with BUFFY?).

What A+ trollage! What top-drawer hilarity! Can you imagine their reactions?!?!


Quote of the week

Aieeeeeeeee! It burns!
— Taylor Swift reacts negatively to BAE's 'juicy manderin' and 'flirty floral heart'

More weeks, wittily summed up by things*

*Wit not guaranteed. no refunds