BenDeLaCreme's RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars 3 Lipstick Shocker: ANALYSED

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Woah woah woah woah WOAH. Let's all pretend we didn't ruin RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars 3 for ourselves six months ago1 and take a hot second to register our COMPLETE SHOCK and UTTER DISBELIEF at what went down over on the main stage last week.

BenDeLaCreme. Front-runner. Record-breaker. Darienne Lake-baiter. Eliminated by her own lipstick. Martyred on the pink plaid altar of Morgan McMichaels. What the FUCK, DeLa? And no, I don’t accept your Whatcha Packin interview as adequate explanation.

Lab goggles on, girls. We can't allow tears to get in the way of science. 

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'Being a nice person' 

'Terminally delightful'. 'Loves' 'her' 'sisters'. Yup. Got it. I don't for a second doubt that a genuine heart beats somewhere under those half a dozen tassled brassieres. But with a one hundred thousand dolla sort of sisterly affection? I don't think so.

Also, no self-respecting jumpers and kittens Pollyanna nice girl scene-steals their way out of a competition, in full Shakespear's Sister goth garb, with the sweetly-knifed aside that “the trophy probably means more” to her desperate, markedly less talented co-competitors. BenDeLaCreme did not come to play.

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Ruvenge for season 6

DeLa was, it's fair to say, Ru-oyally screwed over in 2014. Despite A-gaming her way through the season, much to Dariene Lake's ongoing and mysterious dismay, she found herself denied a rightful top 5 placing thanks to what is now considered business-as-usual-top-table-deliberative-FUCKERY chez RuPaul. One can only imagine the pain and indignity of untaping one's testicles on a nightbus back to Seattle while Darienne Lake’s clumpy ankle-flats lived to underwhelm another day. 

Up until fairly recently, DeLa was vocal in her distaste for the All Stars concept (“a crock of shit” – I paraphrase). What could have changed her mind? A newfound appreciation for the format? Or the chance to come back, rule the fucking runway, then screw over RuPaul in a masterful and four-years-in-the-making rewrite of her previous, top 6 departure? 

Always tricky to read Ru's facial expressions these days, but I think she got the message. Well, that, or she tried her own make up again.

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Slow-burning realisation that she's better than this Shit

I'm pro-competition trouncing as much as the next Drag Superstar, but in five weeks DeLa felled more dead wood than a nest of bejewelled, false-nailed termites. 

Taking down Katya, Alaska, Roxxxy, et al? Deeply satisfying. Having to feign regret about sending Chi Chi DeVayne and her collection of off-the-rack sacks packing? Quick — self-eliminate before you catch NO TALENT.

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Lingering suspicion that it might be a trixie fix 

Just as Alaska had her crown handed to her on a World of Wonder-gilded platter, speculation that All Stars 3 was essentially the Trixie Show feat. RuPaul has been overflowing from Reddit like a backed up toilet at Hamburger Mary's.

Sure, it might not have been turning out quite so obviously (SMASH CUT: Trixie being shit. SMASH CUT: Trixie being really shit. SMASH CUT: Trixie falling off stage), but the judges aren't exactly known for their level-headed, fair elimination choices (SMASH CUT: RuPaul's Drag Race Seasons 7-9).

Was probably best DeLa got herself out of there before the inevitable Dress Up As A Doll And Co-Present An Overrated Internet Show With Could-Do-Better Co-Star, Katya, finale challenge. 

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bored of having to listen to ross matthews

Fair.

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Building trepidation at likely script quality of an acting challenge entitled 'my best squirrelfriend's dragsmaids wedding trip'

Also fair.

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Wite-out sponsorship deal

Who needs Ru's third-hand sash and one hundred thousand dolla when you could instead be the new global face of correction fluid? 

BenDeLaChrist: Our One True All Stars 3 Winner and Stationery KWEEEEEEEEN. 
 

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