Foot peels, Royal Wedding hysteria, and BLOODY TREES: Things of the Week

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If this week was a scene out of harry potter... would be the one in the Chamber of Secrets, with lots of shrieking and ominous bits of dead basilisk everywhere.

Only, by ‘Chamber of Secrets’ I mean ‘anywhere I have removed my socks’, and swap ‘bits of dead basilisk’ with ‘shed layers of gross peeling foot skin’. Shrieking and ominousness - about the same.

I don’t know what I expected after donning a pair of exfoliating acid booties for 2 hours, but it was probably something more akin to Gwyneth Paltrow, Strolling Barefoot Along Beach, than Third Degree Burns With Bonus Mange and/or Leprosy. Forget the vague tasteful musings about ‘chamomile’ and ‘exfoliation’ - where was the health warning about being unable to set flaky foot in a public place for 5-7 days?


Wishful thinking of the week


ROSS is at the gym. ROSS has been running for 23 minutes and would happily barter his sister to GYM SATAN if it meant remaining thin without having to endure this thrice weekly misery. ROSS is also worried about having to remove his socks later. 

ROSS: (sweats)

ROSS spots something unusual, but exciting, out the corner of his eye.

ROSS: (sweats)  ...wha…?


ROSS: (sweats, hopefully) love? Is it really you?

ROSS blinks sweat out of his eyes.


ROSS: (screams, sweatily) FUCK YOU, GYM SATAN!



Quote of the week

*froths at mouth, expires*
— Every Royal Correspondent in Britain

Trends of the week

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Coconut Body Wash

Finally: my dreams of smelling like a Ritter Sport Coconut bar are realised. The accompanying coconut ‘body creme’ is equally drool-inducing, though sadly ineffective at reducing foot peel.




Now in my third consecutive week of being aggressively pollen-bombed. Guys. Give it a rest. And if I find one more clump of foliage in my hair after an important work meeting I swear to god I’m going to hacksaw you myself.


More things of weeks

But with less talk of foot skin, i promise