Dear Cheryl: I'm GLAD you got fired
Oh Cheryl. A fortnight ago you were abusing hair volumiser without a care in the world—a lion-maned X Factor Queen at the top of her game—and now, just 14 days later, your entire career is looking as perilous as Joe McElderry’s. Alouette!
Was it your accent? Your dimples? It’s impossible to say for sure of course, not while all we have to go on are six hundred tabloid pages of baseless speculation and an unusually smug Nicole Scherzinger, but for now can I hazard a guess at your gruesome purple flares?
What’s worn is worn—put down the hobnobs for a moment Cheryl and listen to me. Unlike Simon Cowell, I have your best interests at heart.
I would never publicly mock your newly bouffant hair. I would never sit next to Paula Abdul instead of you. I would never force you to mentor Katie Waissel and under no circumstances would I let you go on prime-time television wearing a dress made of bin lids. I would, however, have fired you from X Factor USA last week.
PUT THE HOBNOBS DOWN CHERYL. YOU WILL LISTEN TO THIS.
1. We love it when you’re a bit sad
It doesn’t say much about the Great British Public, but over the last 3 years your popularity has been at least 95% dependent on how much we feel sorry for you.
Remember when you first started X Factor in 2008? Gaunt and weepy from marital strife, we clutched you to our collective bosom and promised to never let go… until you put on some weight and started smiling. Bitch!
Now you’re a broken woman again we can go back to hammering on your front door and leaving scary 4am voicemails like the unhinged and obsessive ex we are. We love you Cheryl! You’re the only sweetheart for us!! NEVER LEAVE.
2. Your judging credentials were suspect
It didn’t matter so much when we were too intoxicated on vicarious pathos to notice, but as its effects wore off we gradually became aware of the irony in your situation—for a someone who judges vocal prowess for a living, you don’t exactly have much of it.
When even a fan-compiled ‘best Cheryl Cole vocals’ Youtube video sounds this excruciating, we’d say it’s probably a good idea you move away from any field that might draw undue attention to your musical abilities.
3. You were running out of things to say
It seems churlish to point this out when Louis Walsh has been trading on the same three catchphrases for eight years, but Louis Walsh at least has a career managing Boyzone to fall back on. As tempting as it might now be to go running back to the UK show, think about it Cheryl—do you have a Plan B helmed by Ronan Keating? There are only so many more times we can watch you dab at your eyes instead of proffering constructive criticism, and in the attention-deficient arena of reality television it’s always later than you think.
4. Sinitta’s dead eyes
No good can come from prolonged exposure to Simon Cowell. Look at Sinitta—his former protégé is now a deranged reality TV staple whose sole career highlight this decade was wearing a banana leaf smock on ITV2.
Cheryl—look on upon the ravaged features of Sinitta and know in your heart it’s time to move on.
5. Girls Aloud need you
Okay, so this may be my real motivation here.
Accuse me of being stuck in 2005 all you want Cheryl, but don’t you see?! Resume your place as one fifth of the world’s greatest girlband and you’ll be safe again, safe like you were three years ago!
Fancy a tuneless warble? Do it alongside Kimberley Walsh and know for sure you’re not the worst vocalist in the room. Gaily flaunt your gaudy hair extensions while the attentions of bile-spewing online commentators are directed harmlessly at whatever Nicola’s got on her head. With Nadine humiliated, whatserface forgotten and the others already at your beck and call, now is the time.
Plus—and I mean this in the nicest possible way, Cheryl—there’s no way you’ll be able to flog another solo album as horrible as Messy Little Teardrops without your annual X Factor gig.
There, there. It’s for the best.
Lots of love,