Hello Unsuspecting Recipient of My Self-Branded Business Cards!


How are you doing? Good, I hope—stationery related calamity aside.

We don’t know each other. At least we didn’t, until a Popular Personalised Printing Company (*cough* MOO *cough*) accidentally mixed up our orders. Now it’s like I’ve known you forever!

You work in HR. You live in Germany. You like, presumably among other things, eagles. Scratch that, you fucking LOVE eagles. Enough to source four different eagle pictures and emblazon them, eaglishly, over the back of your business cards.


L-R: Eagle; Eagle; Eagle; Eagles

I like what this says about you, fellow stationery orderer. Good eyesight. Often airborne. Uncontrollable appetite for small-to-medium-sized mammals. Perfect for a career in human resources.

And what do you make of me, I wonder? What first struck you as you unwrapped and uncovered my 52 triple-layered creations?

“Zum Teufel sind das?”, I’m guessing were your first words. “Wo sind meine Adler und wer hat schon so eine Schreibmaschine gezeichnet?

Unfortunately my German is as unreliable as our friends over at the Popular Personalised Printing Company, so I don’t know for sure what you’re saying. But to answer some of your likely questions:


L-R: Absurd abuse of credit card

  1. OF COURSE I was drunk.

  2. No, I don’t exactly have a plan for dissemination, beyond ‘repeatedly slip all four variants into boyfriend’s wallet every time he goes to bathroom’.

  3. OF COURSE those are T-Rex arms.

  4. If you must know, I thought a physical manifestation of my online brand might actually encourage me to write new material. And having published TWO (2) pieces since my replacement cards were delivered, can you say I was wrong?

  5. I am ABSOLUTELY AVAILABLE for any upcoming illustration opportunities.

Thanks for stopping by, Unsuspecting Recipient. And as a gesture of my ongoing goodwill, have an eagle on me. I think it would add a certain Was-zum-Teufel to your next batch?


Lots of love,


More open letters

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